RIESTER

As an advertising writer, I realize not everyone considers me a writer in the traditional sense, like one would a journalist or novelist. My best friend’s mom, who considered my free-spiritedness a bad influence on her CPA son, once asked me what I did.

“I’m a writer,” I said.

“Well, what kind of writing do you do?” she asked.

“Ads, mainly,” I said.

“Oh, so you’re not a real writer.”

Ouch. Although, now that I think about it, not being a real writer would explain a few things, including why I’ve never given much thought to the actual tools of my trade—punctuation marks.

Of course, I use punctuation marks. But I certainly don’t brandish them the way a chef would her tongs, or tuck them confidently in a belt loop like a carpenter would a hammer. But just because I don’t regularly sing the praises of apostrophes and parentheses doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy of it, particularly on their own special, albeit subdued, holiday. So to help you celebrate, I now give you a few things I’ll be thinking about on National Punctuation Day.

Why exactly do we call them punctuation marks and question marks? Why not punctuation steves, or question kathys?

Speaking of names, whoever named punctuation marks owes a sincere apology to the colon. Seriously, how do two little vertical dots get stuck sharing a name with the most disgusting organ in the human body? Did it lose a bet? Did it trash talk about being twice the period too much? Or did the punctuation guy just have a bad burrito before this one?
I need to know this stuff.

As much as the colon has reason to complain, though, it doesn’t compare to the semi-colon. If you think it’s lousy being called something that’s totally full of you-know-what, imagine being called something that’s only half full of it.

Now the ellipsis, whoo boy. It sounds cool and looks cool. Using one is pretty fun, too. It’s like the writer is saying, “You know what, I don’t want you to just read pause, I want to force you to pause by making your eyes stumble through three periods in a row.” Awesome. Of course, the Chinese really do it right. Their ellipses have six dots. That’s not just power, that’s honor—like holding your bow a little longer than everyone else.

Now maybe you’re sitting there thinking, “You know, Troy, that’s great, but I just don’t care about punctuation all that much.” And that’s fine. After all, what do I know? I’m not even a real writer. But go ahead and wish someone Happy Punctuation Day anyway! And I mean that…with an exclamation point.